When Rejection Shows Up

The night before I travel I have a tendency to get a little frazzled. The to do list that I never allowed to leave my head, and land on paper, starts to jumble up and confuse me. Did I pack that? I did. Yes. Right? It’s dumb really, but I hate to believe I need to write things down. It’s a game I play with myself. Let’s see how much I can remember without writing it down. Like I said, it’s dumb.

Here’s another look inside this silly head of mine. This was a random thought that seemed to appear out of nowhere in the frazzled mess of the eve before traveling. I even said this one out loud to my husband. “I wonder if people from our former community think I’m the one who made us move to AZ. Like I’m this out of control, out of her head, wife, who, in order to have any peace in your own life, had to move your family.”

The look on his face was priceless. “What are you talking about? Where did that even come from? I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of all the Divine Intervention everyone of us felt when making this decision. No, don’t even think like that. We were all on board, and this was meant to be. Look how good things are for us.”

Yes. You are right, I thought. But still, where did that thought even come from? Oh Friends, the random thoughts weren’t over yet though. And this next one is a doozy. I have to believe that in moments of stress sometimes our minds trick us. We might be thinking in the here and now, but on some deeper level, these random thoughts are leading to a deep truth, or lie, locked away inside our minds.

I started to think about how my oldest daughter has noticed this boy at school. She’s told me a few things she’s observed about him. And now, I might possibly think he’s the one for her.  Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up. She got up the courage to ask a mutual friend about him. The friend could not stop talking about what a great guy he is, but then ended the conversation by telling her that he just found the love of his life, and is now in a relationship.

You might be thinking I had a moment of clarity and did not let this situation that is completely out of my hands, and really has no direct influence on me personally, bother me. Nope. Not so. It added to the tension I was already feeling.

Fast forward several hours later, and one night of restless sleep. We arrived at our gate with a few minutes to sit and catch our breath. My youngest nudged me and asked if I had seen the lady standing in line crying and talking on her cell phone. I told her I had not, and went on with sipping my coffee and tidying my carry on luggage. We boarded the plane. My husband and two daughters took a row, and I took the aisle seat across from them. Then I heard the sobs from the window seat next to me. It was the lady. She was on the phone.

My heart dropped. A lump formed in my throat. I could hear bits and pieces of her conversation, and knew she was grieving the loss of a loved one. She was on this very full flight for a very different reason than the other passengers. Fun, adventures, sight seeing, even business meetings did not await her on the other end, but instead a most dreadful situation.

She fell asleep shortly after we took off. I looked at her tear-stained face and prayed silently for her. And then my thoughts turned. I looked at the three precious people in the row beside me. I thought of the many precious people on the ground at home. What if? What if that was me making a dreadful trip like the person next to me?

And then, as if the skies had opened up and dropped a huge revelation right in my lap, I picked up a book my sister loaned me for our trip. Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out and Lonely, by Lysa TerKeurst.

At first appearance, I wasn’t sure if this book would really relate to me. I can’t say I feel lonely, left out, or even less than. I have at other times in my life, but not really right now. After reading a few pages, I was hooked. This author speaks truth. I laughed and cried all in the first three chapters, and all while sitting on a crowded airplane.

No matter how saved, sanctified, mature and free we are, there are misalignments embedded in our souls. The cause of [some] misalignments is something we all wish would have stayed in the middle school locker room: rejection.

Rejection.

I like her choice of words. Misalignments. Over the last 24 hours I had been out of my mind with irrational thoughts, or ‘misalignments” as she so graciously puts it. But rejection? Hmm. That’s a tough one. I’m not sure I saw that truth coming.

Lysa went on to explain that rejection doesn’t have to be some monumental act done against us, like in her case, a difficult relationship with her father, but it can be as simple as words spoken over us that we’ve carried with us over time. Words we may not even be able to recall until taking an inventory of our soul.

Two core fears that feed a person’s sensitivity to rejection: The fear of being abandoned; and the fear of losing one’s identity.

I laid my head back. Well, that’s not true. I was still on the airplane, and why bother even clicking the button to move the seat back? What’s one more inch going to do anyway? I sat straight up with my head rested rigidly against the back of the most uncomfortable seat on the planet, and closed my eyes. I thought about the stress I had felt getting ready for the trip. I thought about the week leading up to it, and how it had been a little hectic, when it was supposed to be restful. I thought about the misalignments in my soul that had surfaced in the form of some irrational thoughts, and realized that they did all point to fear of abandonment, and fear of losing my identity.

I opened my eyes, a little dazed and startled at the revelation.

I’ve learned a thing or two about spiritual and emotional growth in the last few years. I’ve learned that you don’t choose it, it chooses you. Sometimes a season of growth follows a difficult life situation, a challenging relationship, a devastating loss, or a book your sister loans you—which I’m now realizing is the case with me.

I can’t say I’m overjoyed to embrace another season of growth, and the pain and challenges that might come with it, but I also know I don’t want to stay idle when truth is staring me right in the face encouraging me to take a closer look.

I close with these words:

God is good. God is good to me. God is good at being God. ~ Lysa TerKeurst

These are just a few of the nuggets you will find in this book. And now, I invite you to Uninvited.

Lysa TerKeurst, Uninvited: When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely (Nashville: Nelson Books, 2016) p. 5, 14, 25